Read Online Unconditional Parenting: Moving from Rewards and Punishments to Love and Reason By Alfie Kohn

Read Unconditional Parenting: Moving from Rewards and Punishments to Love and Reason By Alfie Kohn

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A groundbreaking approach to parenting by nationally-respected educator Alfie Kohn that gives parents “powerful alternatives to help children become their most caring, responsible selves” (Adele Faber, New York Times bestselling author) by switching the dynamic from doing things to children to working with them in order to understand their needs and how to meet them.Most parenting guides begin with the question “How can we get kids to do what they're told?” and then proceed to offer various techniques for controlling them. In this truly groundbreaking book, nationally respected educator Alfie Kohn begins instead by asking, “What do kids need—and how can we meet those needs?” What follows from that question are ideas for working with children rather than doing things to them. One basic need all children have, Kohn argues, is to be loved unconditionally, to know that they will be accepted even if they screw up or fall short. Yet conventional approaches to parenting such as punishments (including “time-outs”), rewards (including positive reinforcement), and other forms of control teach children that they are loved only when they please us or impress us. Kohn cites a body of powerful, and largely unknown, research detailing the damage caused by leading children to believe they must earn our approval. That's precisely the message children derive from common discipline techniques, even though it's not the message most parents intend to send. More than just another book about discipline, though, Unconditional Parenting addresses the ways parents think about, feel about, and act with their children. It invites them to question their most basic assumptions about raising kids while offering a wealth of practical strategies for shifting from “doing to” to “working with” parenting—including how to replace praise with the unconditional support that children need to grow into healthy, caring, responsible people. This is an eye-opening, paradigm-shattering book that will reconnect readers to their own best instincts and inspire them to become better parents.

Book Unconditional Parenting: Moving from Rewards and Punishments to Love and Reason Review :

I'm thankful and blessed to have had the chance to read this book. It has inspired me to reflect on my parenting methods and evaluate the effects they have on my children. As much as I hate feeling controlled by other people I was in fact a completely over controlling father. I have learned that the goal of just getting kids to obey authority is very different from the goal of developing good judgement and responsibility. I say yes a lot more. I am more attentive and take their needs seriously. I no longer look at my kids as a an opponent that I need to pick battles with to win and show who is boss. I try my best to see things from their perspective. I listen to them better. I do my best to foster autonomy. I let them reasonably make as many decisions and choices as possible. I have a much clearer understanding of what unconditional love looks like. I focus on what my kid needs instead of caring what people are thinking when my 3 year old acts like a 3 year old in public. I don't sacrifice our long term goals and relationships for immediate compliance. I don't spank. I don't use time out. I don't give rewards. I don't use coercive strategies to try to manipulate my children. I guide and communicate and influence my children to behave a certain way because it is the moral thing to do not because they should fear punishment or look forward to a reward. I feel like I'm a 1000 times better of a father. The depth and quality of my relationships with my girls has soared....oh, and coincidentally, all of the terrible two's behavior issues that caused me to look at parenting books are gone! As hard as I try it know I will always have room to improve. I just thank the Lord for putting this book in front of me and making sure this parenting journey is going down the road of the Christian value of Unconditional Love. If you have kids spend 7 bucks and buy it. I'm warning you though, it will have you questioning everything you thought you knew about parenting and discipline.
Mind-blowing. I saw Alfie Kohn speak, and was deeply moved by his arguments against using positive reinforcement (bribes) and "logical consequences" (punishment) as a means to control children's behavior. He argues that by using a "doing to" approach, we teach our children that they should behave certain ways to either get rewards or avoid punishments. This removes the intrinsic desire to behave a certain way because it's the right way to behave, or because then our brother won't be unhappy and will play with us longer, etc. It confuses and changes the real reason we want our children to behave a certain way in the first place, and it controls their behavior through external means rather than helping them develop internal mechanisms for control. It can also make our children feel as though they're loved conditionally - his argument against forced time outs was absolutely heart-breaking and gut wrenching... to a small child, a forced time out is essentially forced isolation until they conform to something we want - it's the removal of our love and presence based on what a child has done. It's the opposite of unconditional love, and removes our support from them sometimes when they need it most.This book is not about quick fixes, or easy strategies to get your child to "behave". It's about avoiding punishments and bribes that result only in "short term compliance at an extremely high cost", and opting for an approach of working with your child, instead. The second part of his book discusses in great length, with examples, ways that we can work with our children.I don't agree completely with Kohn's removal of all parental praise - when his daughter climbed the stairs for the first time, he didn't applaud or freak out, he just said matter of factly "you did it". I'm more in the exuberant praise for major accomplishments category. However, I found his argument against using praise as a means of control extremely compelling. Don't praise your kid overly for putting his jacket on, because you want him to keep getting himself ready for school. Do celebrate (in my opinion) your children's accomplishments that they're proud of by sharing in their joy and applauding them also.If I could get every parent to read this book, I would. I am so grateful that I discovered Alfie Kohn's work when my sons were preschool age. I believe this could help me raise resilient kids who feel loved, who trust me to be on their side, and who are at lower risk for dangerous behaviors as teenagers because they've had an opportunity to learn the real consequences of actions - not that mom or dad will be mad, but that now something is broken and needs to be repaired, or they may have to choose a different college, or mom was up late worrying because they weren't home. Punishments and bribes obscure the real reason we should do something, make our kids feel conditionally loved, and don't have positive long-term impacts on behavior.

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